To J.

Hello there. Have you been well?

It’s been well over a year since we’ve parted. I think it’s time for me come to a closure, so I dedicate this post to you and for all the things I wish I told you.

Guardian of the Galaxy Volume 2 came out a couple of weeks ago and I watched it with some friends recently. It’s been three years since the first movie came out. The first movie we watched together, the one with Korean subtitle and comfy theater chairs. Sometimes I think back to how we came together, it could have been a movie. The sweet gestures, the turmoils, it seems just like yesterday when they happened.

When I think of you, I should be angry but instead I am sad. I’m sad about not telling you how much I appreciated you and how happy you made me. But modern dating frowns upon this, saying that showing too much, feeling too much, loving too much is a weakness. It gives the other person the upper hand and too much power over us. We always want to the have an upper hand in love.

One of my favorite Chinese songs has a line in it that perfectly describes my feelings.

遗憾是会呼吸的痛

流在血液中来回滚动

后悔不贴心会痛

恨不懂你会痛

想见不能见最痛

The oversimplified translation is that regret is a pain that’s alive. We always brood over what could have been, should have been. So I decided to stop hiding my heart. Sure, I might get hurt, but regret about the things I didn’t do is even worse.

Whenever I think about you I have to actively remind myself the fucked up things you did. Your shortcomings. The parts of you that showed our incompatibility. The aspects that you pointed out I should work on. My mom told me that relationships make people mature. They make us understand ourselves better and gain a bit of perspective of another individual. Even with their caveat, they are beautiful things.

Thank you for the many firsts, for being such a big part of my life at a point, for giving me so much happiness and excitement. But for now, it’s time to move on and I will stow you away in an box deep inside. My host father told me that you never really forget anything you learned, it’s just lost and you have to find it again. I will hold on to the bittersweet memories, and one day when I find the box again, I will smile.

With love,

J.

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