I’ve been thinking a lot about life, career paths, and the experiences that shaped who I am today. Going to be a college senior really is not helping my slowly forming quarter-life crises. As I watch these YouTube videos of these amazing people who seemed to know exactly what they’re passionate about, I am sitting in my room puzzled.
My childhood dream was to be a doctor. However, as I grew older, I became afraid of blood and physical wounds. I have not pin-point the cause of that, considering the fact I have to consistently see blood during that time of the month. I think it’s because my empathetic tendencies. I mean, who gets emotional during food documentaries like Chef’s Table, SOMM, and Jiro Dreams of Sushi. During Jiro Dreams of Sushi, I teared up multiple times, especially when Jiro described his childhood experience and the possibility that he will pass away any moment due to his old age. I’ve long given up the dream of becoming a doctor, although I still think they are super cool. As I contemplate between multiple career paths and what not, I think the most important thing for me is to help people. I want to make a difference in other people’s lives, but other than that, I really have no idea what I should do with my life. People are always giving the advice of follow your dreams and do what you love, but what if I don’t know what I love and would want to do for the rest of my life. Do I just wake up one day and have an eureka moment? Or do I have to try multiple drastically different jobs to figure it out?
As I ponder in the back of my mind about the future, sometimes I glances back into the past, especially when names of high school and middle school acquaintances pop up on my Facebook news feed.
Today I stumbled upon the profile page of a guy who I had known of in high school (graduating from a giant high school it really is impossible to know everyone in your year unless you make it a point to do). It’s coming up to two years since he passed away due to cancer. As I re-read posts his friends, some of which are my friends as well, had left a couple of years ago, I kept on thinking how short and confusing life is, and that it needs to be cherished. We only have one chance at this. We don’t know when it would be game over; it could be 60 years from now or it could be right now. The posts reminded me of how strong humans are. We keep on living, getting through the days, smiling and enjoying life, even after losing something/someone who was so precious to us. They also put things into perspective. Promises and forevers are all relative, so are the problems we have in our lives. Here’s a poem by Emily Dickson, Forever – is composed of Nows (taken from here).
Forever – is composed of Nows –
‘Tis not a different time –
Except for Infiniteness –
And Latitude of Home –
From this – experienced Here –
Remove the Dates – to These –
Let Months dissolve in further Months –
And Years – exhale in Years –
Without Debate – or Pause –
Or Celebrated Days –
No different Our Years would be
From Anno Dominies –
I really like the line “Forever – is composed of Nows.” It reminds me to focus more on the now than contemplating about the future or remaining the past. Anyway, here’s my Monday blues while pondering on the shortness of life. Hope your Monday had been happier.